After the rain and riding a bike 7 miles in gale force winds, and my needed nap, I took a walk at dusk. I had the park to myself in the drizzle. To my left on the path i could see chalets. On the right? Just the tallest mountains in New Zealand, silent and shrouded in the dusk.
The last rays of sun on their peaks and silence on the valley floor.
I had my iPod and I played some music and "Infrared" came on. Recently, a friend wrote us of her trying years and finding herself again and the triumph of beating that drum. I think of her with this song and i found myself dancing, slowly at first, my hiking boots grinding in the gravel as they swiveled and my hips followed.
I put on "Vivir Mi Vida" and remembered the little salsa steps i know and under the approaching dusk, I had my own dance party to the tune of my life. Of the last 6 months. Of the last 10 minutes as my memories and stamina and thoughts change.
I did not get to use that Dance-O-Mat in christchurch, so I made my own on the path.
Cars went by and i wonder if they saw me. If they did, I imagine they smiled a little or chuckled at the girl in the black rain coat and hat dancing walking along the path.
Life is good.
I yelled it. I always yell "I love my Life!" when it is, to remind myself and to thank the world.
I do it. I'm disappointed that it is not as loud as it could be. I do it again.
I dance on and under these mountains, I am content to be so small to them and overwhelmed with what is out there i don't know in this world.
In Germany, when I was 17, I put on Hammer Party by Big Black and walked with my walkman and walked and walked finding my footing in this new place ... it became the soundtrack to this time.
Here, there is no music: the soundtrack are these roller coaster feelings, when I am unsure where the rudder is or where it's leading me, and the steady undercurrent of a course that seems right and true.
I dance with it now, and "Bailando" has me arms outstretched, singing along and smiling at the river below me on the bridge, and the rocks.
There is a single star, or is it a plane? and I stop, and turn my head up and rotate 360 and the plane is still there. A planet? I make my wish.
It is the one I made for no reason in the middle of the day while I waded into the mind-numbingly freezing waters of the glacial lake ... for mantra for myself more like.
I put on Maps' "A.M.A." which i walked to every day in Kalgoorlie, and Im a bit disappointed in the DJ's choice because it's about staring into the sun but I don't still feel right, but I keep it going because sometimes that is true too and this is all about being open in your heart. And going for it. And being brave but always open.
I turn and blurt it out.
"I love my life!"
I know I can do it louder. Can't i?
I aim for when I did it the first time, at 2 a.m. in the crap district of san Francisco with the homeless crazy guys screaming, and so I yelled it even louder.
Louder. I cup my hands and do it as loud as I can. Then continue dancing, and giggling to myself.
When it is truly nearly dark, I let Iggy Pop sing me to the final dance on this card, about being THE passenger on this life - the stars were made for you an me, and I ride and I ride and I ride.
There are so many moments I already don't remember, as they fade into the seconds and hours and this one will likely fall to the ether as well, this moment where I write this, and the clock is ticking and my arms are tingling with a chill, and wishing friends were awake in NY to call, and how bittersweet it all is as we remember just a fraction but all the seconds make us who we are.
And this moment? Under the cloudy night and the mountains behind me, moving to my drum and singing?
I will not forget.